She walked with a slight limp, arranging the dowdy cap on her head like a barren flower bed in Mrs. Smith’s yard. She wasn’t anything like he’d imagined. Not while he was beaten in the orphanage or when he was given an old, seamless edition of Tom Sawyer or a useless sweater.
The old oak stooped over the fence, scrubbing the serrated wood. By the Oldsmobile, she fumbled with keys; her glasses barely hanging.
“Mrs. Robinson, lemme help you Ma’am.”
“Thank you… who are you?” She struggled as he pulled the ajar door.
“Hi, Mom.” The warm dust rose and swallowed the words.
———————
Word Count: 103
Above in response to Voice week 2013, first voice
A beetle with earrings 
Ooo, way to blend the character’s past and future with a pivotal moment. Can’t wait for tomorrow!
Thanks! 🙂
Evocative. The ,…. punctuation combination threw me a little, though. Such a lot of tension built, and in waves, in such a short time!
Thank you for pointing that. Corrected, I hope.
I could be wrong (I fear that most of my grammar knowledge is more instinctual than anything, much to my mother’s chagrin), but I do not think you need a final period, especially not as the word after the ellipsis is not capitalized.
But, again, great waves of ebbing tension.
Thanks so much! You are right 🙂 I wanted to convey a pause before she said “who are you”. It is great to have someone with instinctive grammar knowledge :). much appreciated!
This is my first time in voice week, thoroughly enjoying the inspiring comments.
It’s my first time, too. Fun stuff!
Well then. That was…well, kind of like a punch to the gut. In a good way, mind you. I loved the whole mood of the piece, the forlorn longingness of it which was captured in just a few words. Fantastic job, I can’t wait to read more!
Thanks so much for an inspiring comment, Evan.
Wow, the orphanage and his imaginings there gave us the first clue, but that last line still packed a punch. You give us a great deal of character here in just a few words. Good stuff! (Do you mean “the orphanage”?)
Thanks so much! I corrected “orphanage” to “the orphanage” – as usual while cutting words, my editing knife went too far.
This is really evocative writing; I look forward to seeing more.
(Also, lol at “Oldsmobile” – love it!)
Thank you :), glad you liked the details.
few words but loaded as the say, thanks
:), much appreciated.
Oh my goodness, I was not expecting that, you reel in the reader quite slowly then pow..great start to the week, really looking forward to what you come up with next. 🙂
Thank you for stopping by and taking time to read and post such a lovely comment.
Nice job. I agree with previous posters. I love it when writers have a great ending.
Thanks so much!
immediate intrigue! and i already care about both these characters because they’re interesting and seem unique
I’m not sure you need that sentence about the old oak…it doesn’t seem to have a purpose to this overall story.
I like the shock ending. Twists are my favorite 🙂
Thank you for your constructive crit! Much appreciated.