the cynic in me

In the past few days, the state of Texas has transformed into the state of California – there is sunlight and there is a cool breeze. Everyone is happy except for maybe a handful of people like me who wonder – what is wrong with our weather cycle? Did we have a secret earthquake that pulled us along the coast and we still don’t know about it?

I have been feeling more (than usual) energetic for a past few weeks. Instead of making use of that extra energy level to exercise and meditate, I ponder – how long will I last like this? Something is just too good to be true, why am I so happy? It just cannot be the turbo capsules of Vitamin D.

My kids have been finishing their homework on time and when I pull up their class work scores online, they seem to be doing much above than my expectation. I check, recheck and then check the password and user name over and again. Is it really their report card? Hmm, my kids are growing up and growing up decently – something that is not so common in their present ages. Maybe after all, I must be doing something right in my parenting but then how could I? How could I know all that it takes to be a great parent?
With the first one, I was a novice, with the second, the experience of first kid hardly worked; so this must a cosmic gift. I can settle with that – good luck for a change.

I have shifted my focus from reading two-three books at one given time to one or none. Instead, I pick up a meditation sermon or sit outside and sip my tea doing nothing. Where is the hunger of devouring best-selling books? What is worse is that I don’t feel the urge to go to the library and I am not in a hurry to finish the current book I am reading. I might just return it unfinished. This bothers me. Is age finally catching up?

And, this morning was unusual. I did not hear the fast-paced (though mindless) music anymore. I listed to the Buddhist chanting for over thirty minutes. It was as if I entered a corridor of holy relaxation. I might hear it again on my way back. Maybe, tomorrow I will be different and go back to my maniac music groove. Though a voice in me says a feeble no. We’ll see.

Enough said, complained and questioned. Before this weather goes away, I need to let my hair stand upright in the cool wind. Before my kids really do something crazy as a part of growing up, let me admire them for their effort to be decent and give myself a pat as a responsible parent. Before I get the urge to stop by the library and pick ten books which anyways, I will never finish, let me focus on the little yet mindful reading or accept my time spent outside watching young tulsi (basil) plant fight its way up the moist soil. Before I return to the nerve wrecking music, let me nourish my heart with some soul music. Before my mind catches up and makes me go spiral with cynicism, logic and deadlines, let me simply live  life as it is, here and now.

 

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