I feel like a black box. Not in a darker, cynical way – but in a constant, harmonious style. No stress rides on my mind yet I am aware and present. All my emotional edges are in, melting into an opaque wall to the outside world. The internal turbulence has taken a day off. I drift in air doing things as they come to me, without too much mulling. There is no bliss or boredom, no expectation of time to go slow or soon, just the realization of the present moment. I am breathing slowly with very few but firm thoughts and tasks are moving into the completion box without much ado.
This sudden shift makes me happy, but only for a moment. I feel like a robot – mechanical, with a stretched pair of lips – aware but walking over stagnant water with no chaotic waves to collide with. All the crests and troughs in the graph of my life are straightened out to a flat line. I panic. The next instant, my edges slowly sprout back – pointed and sharp – ready to poke, play and create mayhem. Doubt floats, fear wakes up and stress smiles back at me. The box melts in a transparent shape that is neither symmetrical or irregular – it is vague and foamy, like a cloud spreading itself quickly on the clear, blue sky of my horizon. Thoughts flood in and my eyebrows knot together in despair of lost deadlines and missed opportunities. The smile dissolves into an expression of urgency and I pause.
I realize I am human again.